I Knew the End was Near

WOW. I decided it was time to write a blog post about losing my sister, Therese. When I opened my folder to type one, I found this! I vaguely remember writing it. I didn’t give up hope but I started to accept it 8 days before it happened...I was experiencing anticipatory grief.

(last photo taken of us, 8/24/23 - at my book signing event)

10/27/23

How does it feel to know your sister is in the next room dying? It feels like there is a bomb in your gut ticking away, you’re not sure when it will explode but you know it's going to. You wonder if it will be today, tomorrow, 3 months, a year or more. Your gut thinks it's going to be sooner than later.

Therese is the most important person in the world to me. She’s my other half in so many ways. She was at my side throughout my pregnancy and held Keven before I did. She was the only other person who saw what I saw the day he died.

I’ve known her since the day she was born, but being five years older we didn’t become close till I was in my late teens and she in her early teens. From then on we were as close as any two sisters can be.

I haven’t spoken to her today, She looks like she’s sleeping peacefully. But what if she’s not? What if she’s gone? I don’t want to know. I will keep checking and if she doesn’t change positions I will take a closer look. I don’t want to wake her because she feels best when she’s sleeping.

What the hell am I going to do without her? The same thing I’m doing without my son. I will carry on, I will grieve every day for the rest of my life. But this time I will grieve alone. The house won’t just be more quiet, like when Keven died, it will be silent. Truly empty except for me and the pets.

I just got up the nerve to check, her foot moved, thank you God! I am not ready for this, but she is. She told me last night and I said I was jealous that she would see Keven and our mom before me (along with our dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends and of course Anthony).

There will have to be a memorial service. So many people loved Therese. She was thoughtful, generous, kind and before she got sick - fun. Her work friends adored her. I remember her 30th birthday when they all met at a bar and I got to see it in action. Therese was a different person that night - so outgoing and funny as hell. I was impressed. It was fun to see her like that.

Her best friends, Denise and Laura, will be devastated. I haven’t told them because she doesn’t want to see anyone except me…Our brother and aunt are going to take it the hardest.

The ache in my stomach is the exact same one I had for weeks after losing Keven. I guess this time it knows what’s coming.

Do I call her friends and let them know this may be the end? Do I worry my dear 95 year old aunt or wait till it happens? Why am I so sure it will happen soon? I don’t know but my gut has never steered me wrong in my entire life. I don’t always follow it - and each time I don’t I regret it. My gut is my internal instincts, my knowing, my heart’s voice.

As soon as I typed that my heart started hurting.

I survived the loss of my son because I had Therese with me. I have so many wonderful people in my life that care about me. But I also have three dogs that make it impossible to have guests here. Thankfully Clover is very bonded with me so she will miss Therese but not be completely lost without her as Chester would be if it were me.

Therese and I both agree that it's better for her to go first because she couldn’t survive without me emotionally. I’ve always been the strong one, the one in charge, the one making things happen and keeping things going. It's what any big sister/best friend would do.

Thinking back on our childhoods we had completely different experiences growing up. She was the baby, the very needy baby. She only knew our father for ten years. I knew him for fifteen. My mom and her were close and never had any major upsets - but my mom and I had huge issues when I was a teen till age 25 or so.

Ok, her NP just returned a call from me. She said there is no way of knowing (I know this in my head) and that we need to try and get her stable. It's only been a month since she got her newest diagnosis plus she has stents in her gallbladder holding it open to remove more gallstones so that could be the reason for her feeling so bad. I have a glimmer of hope!

If she’s not awake by noon I will bring her some water and an Ensure and get her up to move around a bit.

Bottom line, I think she’s given up.