Who am I Now?

The loss of my son in 2020 changed me. Aside from the devastating heartbreak, there were some positive changes. The things I did surprised me, like speaking in front of big and small crowds. Wrote two books and contributed to another. Becoming a volunteer doing something a lot of people say, "You couldn't pay me to do that!"

For me, writing the first book was about defending Keven and his decision to end his life. It was also about spreading the word about what it's like to deal with substance abuse, mental health issues, the prison system and suicide for many years. 

I wrote the second book to help people understand grief and support someone going through it. People have said it's really helpful, so I'm grateful. 

After losing my sister in November, I feel like I've changed again. It's a lot different this time. It feels like I'm alone. I'm no longer passionate about sharing the things I used to care so deeply about. I've lost interest in marketing my book so it gets sales. I just don't care about that right now.

I try to live one day at a time, and I stop myself from listening to the dark thoughts in my head. I cry a lot and I cry harder, not just because I miss Therese, but because the loss of Keven is magnified now, its like losing him all over again. Therese and I talked about Kev constantly. She's the only one who loves and understood him like I do.

Thank you for reading my blog. It may no longer interest you since I'm going to write only what I feel like writing, no theme, no agenda to sell books, no purpose but to express myself.

I still go to my writing group (on Zoom) Monday - Friday because even though I'm not writing a book right now, who's to say there isn't another one lurking inside me? Honestly, my writing group makes me laugh on my darkest days and I learn so much about how to write a book, you should join us if you're a writer!)

I've been writing a lot lately - some silly things like memories of boys/men I dated, songs that mean a lot to me, why friends are like air. So those are topics that will be forthcoming (haha, forthcoming - I never use that word!)

Bottom line - I still have a lot of love in my heart. The people in my life and my pets keep me going. Despite all my health challenges and Chester's health challenges, I won't let it bring me down. Reminds me of something Tom Petty sang...

Well, I know what's right

I got just one life

In a world that keeps on pushin' me around

But I'll stand my ground

And I won't back down