top of page

Who am I Now?




The loss of my son in 2020 changed me. Aside from the devastating heartbreak, there were some positive changes. The things I did surprised me, like speaking in front of big and small crowds. Wrote two books and contributed to another. Becoming a volunteer doing something a lot of people say, "You couldn't pay me to do that!"


For me, writing the first book was about defending Keven and his decision to end his life. It was also about spreading the word about what it's like to deal with substance abuse, mental health issues, the prison system and suicide for many years. 


I wrote the second book to help people understand grief and support someone going through it. People have said it's really helpful, so I'm grateful. 


After losing my sister in November, I feel like I've changed again. It's a lot different this time. It feels like I'm alone. I'm no longer passionate about sharing the things I used to care so deeply about. I've lost interest in marketing my book so it gets sales. I just don't care about that right now.


I try to live one day at a time, and I stop myself from listening to the dark thoughts in my head. I cry a lot and I cry harder, not just because I miss Therese, but because the loss of Keven is magnified now, its like losing him all over again. Therese and I talked about Kev constantly. She's the only one who loves and understood him like I do.


Thank you for reading my blog. It may no longer interest you since I'm going to write only what I feel like writing, no theme, no agenda to sell books, no purpose but to express myself.

I still go to my writing group (on Zoom) Monday - Friday because even though I'm not writing a book right now, who's to say there isn't another one lurking inside me? Honestly, my writing group makes me laugh on my darkest days and I learn so much about how to write a book, you should join us if you're a writer!)


I've been writing a lot lately - some silly things like memories of boys/men I dated, songs that mean a lot to me, why friends are like air. So those are topics that will be forthcoming (haha, forthcoming - I never use that word!)


Bottom line - I still have a lot of love in my heart. The people in my life and my pets keep me going. Despite all my health challenges and Chester's health challenges, I won't let it bring me down. Reminds me of something Tom Petty sang...

 

Well, I know what's right

I got just one life

In a world that keeps on pushin' me around

But I'll stand my ground

And I won't back down

9 Comments


Barbara, I am so sorry for your deep pain and loneliness. I know how very close you and Therese were. Jesus, help Barbara to be aware of your presence in the midst of her darkest times.

Like

Your words touch me Barbara - deeply. I sense and resonate with the loss an the pain. I understand the hopelessness. I also feel alone. And I get living one day at a time - even though it wears on me. I pray for you (and me) that things will get better. That passion will return for both of us. That love will have the final word. It is my hope for us. Love to you sis. Keep on blogging. Your words are helping even though it might not feel they are.

Like
Replying to

Love you, Bob! I can't even tell you how many times I thought to myself "I want to write Bob" but then wouldn't think of it when I was on my computer. Sometimes I stop and think about all my friends that have difficult things in their lives, you are always first to come to mind. Thank you for your words and your prayers, I hope the same thing.

Like

Thank you for gifting us with an insightful rawness that resonates deeply in me with all you mentioned. It's been a gloomy past few months and it's soothing to know that you feel and think the same way I do. It can get really lonely knowing everyone's gone. Your purpose isn't over and I know that heart of gold will continue to help those suffering looking for answers no one but you and your experiences can help. Thank you for your contribution to those seeking any semblance of understanding...xoxoxo

Like
Replying to

Thank YOU for being in my life and caring about me. I think back to the first time I met you all those years ago - who would have known then how close we'd become and how much we would help each other through this thing called life.

Like

Sweet lady, you’ve given so much in your sharing and I know, like others, we feel blessed to know you. Good for you for still going to the classes! Hang in there!!!

Like
Replying to

Thank you so much, Christy!

Like

I am sad to read that you’re struggling a little right now. I guess that is to be expected somewhat because your most recent grief is still new. One day at a time for sure, sometimes just a minute or an hour at a time. During my most difficult times I had to adopt the fake it ‘til you make it approach. And eventually it becomes less fake and maybe a little more of being ok. Keep writing! You’re so good at it and I really enjoy reading your thoughts and stories. ❤️❤️❤️

Like
Replying to

Fake it till ya make it is So Important, it really helps. You're a dear friend, thanks, Lacey

Like
bottom of page