2 Years Ago Today I Lost Him

Two years ago today my son, Keven, chose to end his life. When I heard the shot fire from his upstairs bedroom, I knew that my life as I’d once known it was over - and a new life began. The life of a grieving mother.

I’ve learned over the last two years that grief is a very misunderstood concept. Most people think it's something you do, then you get over it, then you move on. This doesn’t apply to losing a child. The grief (sadness, despair, longing, heartbreak, agonizing pain) doesn’t go away. It changes over time, but it never leaves.

People are uncomfortable around grief. They want you to get back to your old self, but that self is gone. Your new self can learn to enjoy life again, but you see the world through a different lens. So many things that you once thought were important just don’t matter. What does matter is the people in your life - do they know how much you love them? Have you been a supportive friend lately? Who in your life could use an encouraging word today?

Grief is a lonely place. People can support you in your sadness - if they can handle it - but no one can truly understand how much it hurts unless they’ve been in the same situation. I usually don’t reach out when I’m going through a hard time because I get it - people don’t know what to say to me to ease my sorrow so they feel frustrated, and they wish they had the words - but there are none.

I miss my son. I miss him the most at night when I am lying in bed trying to sleep. I try to focus on the good memories and happy times we shared and avoid spending too much time thinking about the dark things.

I miss him yet I know Keven’s spirit is still with me. He sends me signs and I feel his presence often. I know that he is in a place free from anxiety, depression and addiction. He’s enjoying life, he’s with my parents, many of his friends, and our dog, Sugar.

For many people seeking out a psychic medium to connect to someone in the afterlife is a controversial topic, but for me, it's been the most comforting thing in my grief. I spoke to one today and received some amazing messages from Kev, my parents and Anthony. Keven reminded me that he’s always with me, especially when I’m driving in the car and listening to music we both liked.

I am not entering my third year without my son. It will be interesting to see what happens this year. I believe I have a purpose and need to focus on it more and be depressed less. That’s the plan. Keven also told me today that I did everything I could to help him and that I was more than a mom to him, I was also his best friend, his therapist and his source of support and encouragement. That made my day!